Thursday, April 8, 2010
♥ wishful thinking.
i feel that as i get older, i become more antisocial. and it really isn't a bad thing at all.
i feel so disconnected with society and my peers. i hate the drama that my friends constantly have in their lives, i want nothing to do with it. i honestly feel like people can't relate to me, i like to think of myself as a one girl wolf pack lol :)
okay okay, on a serious note though, life isn't complicated, it really isn't. but i feel like people try to make it complicated. life is simple, trust me, i know it is. kids today care more about which parties they'll be going to and how drunk they can get. how is that any fun at all? i see no appeal in that at ALL.
i miss the time when my friends packed into my SUV, went to CVS, stocked up on junk food, headed to the park with our guitars and just had fun. we weren't distracted by who stabbed who in the back, or complaining about how hungover they were last weekend.
i feel like society pushes people to come to the point were they lose themselves. society breaks people down with no intention on building them back up. when i was younger, i cared so much about how people perceived me and i wanted so desperately to fit in.
but that's not the same anymore. i'm so extremely proud of the person i am today, i have no intentions of fitting in.
i used to hate the feeling of being disconnected to my peers, but today i accept the fact that i'm different. i just wish that other people didn't care so much and didn't try so hard to be something that they're not.
everyday i watch my friends forget who they are, and that's one of the hardest things to witness. when you forget who you are, who lose yourself. and sometimes, something so simple as "finding" yourself, can be an extremely hard task.
i never thought i'd come to the point where being alone would make me happier then being with a large group of people. life doesn't always have to be moment after moment, trying to fight to stay above ground. life is SO short, and there's no guarantee's in life at all. well i take that back, the only guarantee in life is death and you don't want to come to the point when death is knocking on your door and you have no choice but to answer, and when life was banging on your door, you didn't even give life it's chance to shine.
make sense?
i feel so disconnected with society and my peers. i hate the drama that my friends constantly have in their lives, i want nothing to do with it. i honestly feel like people can't relate to me, i like to think of myself as a one girl wolf pack lol :)
okay okay, on a serious note though, life isn't complicated, it really isn't. but i feel like people try to make it complicated. life is simple, trust me, i know it is. kids today care more about which parties they'll be going to and how drunk they can get. how is that any fun at all? i see no appeal in that at ALL.
i miss the time when my friends packed into my SUV, went to CVS, stocked up on junk food, headed to the park with our guitars and just had fun. we weren't distracted by who stabbed who in the back, or complaining about how hungover they were last weekend.
i feel like society pushes people to come to the point were they lose themselves. society breaks people down with no intention on building them back up. when i was younger, i cared so much about how people perceived me and i wanted so desperately to fit in.
but that's not the same anymore. i'm so extremely proud of the person i am today, i have no intentions of fitting in.
i used to hate the feeling of being disconnected to my peers, but today i accept the fact that i'm different. i just wish that other people didn't care so much and didn't try so hard to be something that they're not.
everyday i watch my friends forget who they are, and that's one of the hardest things to witness. when you forget who you are, who lose yourself. and sometimes, something so simple as "finding" yourself, can be an extremely hard task.
i never thought i'd come to the point where being alone would make me happier then being with a large group of people. life doesn't always have to be moment after moment, trying to fight to stay above ground. life is SO short, and there's no guarantee's in life at all. well i take that back, the only guarantee in life is death and you don't want to come to the point when death is knocking on your door and you have no choice but to answer, and when life was banging on your door, you didn't even give life it's chance to shine.
make sense?
6:41 PM
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
♥ oh hayz.
oh hay! i haven't updated in awhile because, surprise surprise, school has gotten in the way of my life. i actually didn't have an ungodly amount of homework this evening so i decided that today would be perfect for updating you guys! so not much as been happening except for the fact that school is constantly kicking my butt. i'm on this quest for straight A's, except no matter how hard i try to get an A in sociology, it never happens. i swear my professor wants us all to fail.
yesterday, i went to the park with samantha, her son aiden and megyn. i've forgotten how much i love the park. i remember when i lived in brevard and i was always at some park. either the park or the beach, sometimes both. i feel like i never take the time to do the things i love. like honestly a perfect day would just be laying on a blanket at the park, writing songs, playing guitar, swinging on swings and just being with my friends. but now my life is consumed by the fact that i have to do well in school.
i must say though, i haven't been this happy in a long time. yes, i'm stressed over school work but i'm not stressing over the little things like i used too. i'm not constantly worrying about things don't matter. it doesn't even matter how much i dislike florida, because i've made new friends. although, i would live in new york in a HEARTBEAT, i'm super content with my life right now.
despite the heartache i've recently endured, i honestly am the happiest i think i've ever been :) i just feel like there's this ease in my life, i can't explain it. i wish people really took the time to appreciate life and all it has to offer. i know i take it for granted....you know, everything i have, but lately every morning on my drive to school i talk to god and tell him how thankful i am. i don't complain to him anymore, but instead thank him. so many amazing things have happened in my life and none of it would be possible without. i mean, with everything that has happened, how could i deny the fact that god is ever present in my life? 
8:20 PM
Friday, February 26, 2010
♥ rules of life.
oh hey, nice to see you here this evening.
today was nice. yes, nice. very generic. anyways, i went to cocoa beach, i had to help my mom with something at the air force base but it was also a chance for me to get out of orlando and clear my mind. i grew up in cocoa beach so there is also a sense of calmness i feel when i go back. i feel like i'm 5 again.
when i got home brandon and i discussed what we thought were important rules to life. let me share my ever growing knowledge with you.
1. sleeping comando is great, everyone should do it time to time. but also remember when you get dressed the next morning to put on underwear. we've all done it. going comando during the day isn't as wonderful.
2. when kissing someone for the first time, try not to think about the last time they brushed their teeth. it WILL ruin the moment.
3. sometimes its wiser to keep your thoughts to yourself.
4. always keep your favorite pants in a place that you can depend on. like a drawer or in the closet. don't leave them in random place because someone will take them. and you will be pantless.
5. no matter how much someone pays you, don't eat dog food. you will get the shits and it won't be pleasant. nor will the money be worth it.
6. talk to god. all the time, he's the one person that will always listen.
7. if you want something, get it. don't let anything ever hold you back.
8. try to do something out of your element and try it frequently.
9. ladies, don't be embarrassed to get greasy food in front of guys. screw the whole "being a lady" thing. salads are for sissys. real women eat the greasiest cheeseburger and fries. but remember after a meal like that, work out even harder. and don't eat it ALL the time. being a princess isn't cute.
10. always keep the pubs under control. no one likes bush. trust us.
today was nice. yes, nice. very generic. anyways, i went to cocoa beach, i had to help my mom with something at the air force base but it was also a chance for me to get out of orlando and clear my mind. i grew up in cocoa beach so there is also a sense of calmness i feel when i go back. i feel like i'm 5 again.
when i got home brandon and i discussed what we thought were important rules to life. let me share my ever growing knowledge with you.
1. sleeping comando is great, everyone should do it time to time. but also remember when you get dressed the next morning to put on underwear. we've all done it. going comando during the day isn't as wonderful.
2. when kissing someone for the first time, try not to think about the last time they brushed their teeth. it WILL ruin the moment.
3. sometimes its wiser to keep your thoughts to yourself.
4. always keep your favorite pants in a place that you can depend on. like a drawer or in the closet. don't leave them in random place because someone will take them. and you will be pantless.
5. no matter how much someone pays you, don't eat dog food. you will get the shits and it won't be pleasant. nor will the money be worth it.
6. talk to god. all the time, he's the one person that will always listen.
7. if you want something, get it. don't let anything ever hold you back.
8. try to do something out of your element and try it frequently.
9. ladies, don't be embarrassed to get greasy food in front of guys. screw the whole "being a lady" thing. salads are for sissys. real women eat the greasiest cheeseburger and fries. but remember after a meal like that, work out even harder. and don't eat it ALL the time. being a princess isn't cute.
10. always keep the pubs under control. no one likes bush. trust us.
5:27 PM
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
♥ funeral.
blogger is giving me a run for my money.
i've written several beautiful posts, and it has decided to delete them. whatever.
i am stressed beyond belief. i want to bang my head against a wall and kick myself repeatedly until i go numb. basically, i want to kick my own ass. and no, this isn't because blogger deleted my beautifully written entries.
i feel so unmotivated lately on top of all this. my dreams keep me up at night, i wake up feeling like i have this huge hole in my chest. i literally feel like someone punched me, and i wake up screaming. what is this?
life lesson number one: don't run away from your problems. face them head on, like a man. trust me, dodging them is far worse then taking it to the face. this feeling of dread is constantly hanging over me. i don't understand it.
i feel like a living brand new song. painfully beautiful yet desperately pained. does that make sense? no, i'm not saying i think i'm beautiful either. i paint this picture of ease. yes, i do love life, and i try to see the best in everything but sometimes the past just can't stay in the past. it peeks its ugly head out when it's feeling lonely and ignored. i refuse to let my feeling get the best of me. i control me, not my feelings. life is too short to live in regret and hatered. but lately i can't help but feel this way.
i don't make any sense. i usually don't. i don't expect people to understand anyways. i'm not writing to evoke some sort of sympothy from anyone either. see, writing this has made me feel better already.
i understand and accept the fact that i don't "fit" in but sometimes, acceptance is what makes us human. the feeling of belongingness. yes, that's what makes us human. but today, i feel very unhuman.
i think of you, and feel less then human. i hope you're happy.
i've written several beautiful posts, and it has decided to delete them. whatever.
i am stressed beyond belief. i want to bang my head against a wall and kick myself repeatedly until i go numb. basically, i want to kick my own ass. and no, this isn't because blogger deleted my beautifully written entries.
i feel so unmotivated lately on top of all this. my dreams keep me up at night, i wake up feeling like i have this huge hole in my chest. i literally feel like someone punched me, and i wake up screaming. what is this?
life lesson number one: don't run away from your problems. face them head on, like a man. trust me, dodging them is far worse then taking it to the face. this feeling of dread is constantly hanging over me. i don't understand it.
i feel like a living brand new song. painfully beautiful yet desperately pained. does that make sense? no, i'm not saying i think i'm beautiful either. i paint this picture of ease. yes, i do love life, and i try to see the best in everything but sometimes the past just can't stay in the past. it peeks its ugly head out when it's feeling lonely and ignored. i refuse to let my feeling get the best of me. i control me, not my feelings. life is too short to live in regret and hatered. but lately i can't help but feel this way.
i don't make any sense. i usually don't. i don't expect people to understand anyways. i'm not writing to evoke some sort of sympothy from anyone either. see, writing this has made me feel better already.
i understand and accept the fact that i don't "fit" in but sometimes, acceptance is what makes us human. the feeling of belongingness. yes, that's what makes us human. but today, i feel very unhuman.
i think of you, and feel less then human. i hope you're happy.
1:32 PM
Saturday, February 20, 2010
♥ a steady hand/ a mindful soul.
i refuse to listen to my heart. the heart is the most fickle organ in the human body. it is implusive and lives only in the moment. it has no concept of the future, nor does it give any reason.
most importantly, it breaks. and something that breaks, even when put back together, is never fully the same. so even after being broken, the heart still does not learn it's lesson. why would i follow something that could break so easily? yes, it breaks easily, but the repair of it is not as simple.
sometimes it takes years to repair the damage. and in its state of despair, the hearts thinking process is even more cloudy.
well whatever. that's all i have to say about that.
most importantly, it breaks. and something that breaks, even when put back together, is never fully the same. so even after being broken, the heart still does not learn it's lesson. why would i follow something that could break so easily? yes, it breaks easily, but the repair of it is not as simple.
sometimes it takes years to repair the damage. and in its state of despair, the hearts thinking process is even more cloudy.
well whatever. that's all i have to say about that.
10:54 AM
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
♥ a new sort of old kind of struggle.
ah, listening to old blink182 and thoughts of teenage awkwardness come to mind. granted i am still basking in the later stages of it, i can safely say, i am almost an adult.
okay okay, i know i'm going to be 21 in two months, but age has nothing to do with maturity. i do believe i'm quite mature for my age, but i still can't push that awkward pubescent girl who knew so little of herself out of my mind.
life used to be so simple, i fee like everything is coming at me full force and i have no control over anything. i don't know how i feel about this yet. i am proud of myself because i've grown so much and i've gotten to experience way more then other people my age have. but something feels incomplete. i don't know what though.
i think i'm still waiting for the complications of life to disappear. like some gaudy drag queen is going to magically pop out of thin air and say " JUST KIDDING!" and everything will go back to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and running around outside bare foot without worrying about germs and dog pop.
i don't know how i feel about any of this. i really don't. i'm scared of growing up. growing up means more emotions are unlocked, and the current emotions are enough for me.
damn. just let a playa play yo.
okay okay, i know i'm going to be 21 in two months, but age has nothing to do with maturity. i do believe i'm quite mature for my age, but i still can't push that awkward pubescent girl who knew so little of herself out of my mind.
life used to be so simple, i fee like everything is coming at me full force and i have no control over anything. i don't know how i feel about this yet. i am proud of myself because i've grown so much and i've gotten to experience way more then other people my age have. but something feels incomplete. i don't know what though.
i think i'm still waiting for the complications of life to disappear. like some gaudy drag queen is going to magically pop out of thin air and say " JUST KIDDING!" and everything will go back to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and running around outside bare foot without worrying about germs and dog pop.
i don't know how i feel about any of this. i really don't. i'm scared of growing up. growing up means more emotions are unlocked, and the current emotions are enough for me.
damn. just let a playa play yo.
7:16 PM
Monday, February 15, 2010
♥ in shape.
getting up this morning was such a task . i was up until 1:00am last night finishing up my math homework. my alarm clock went off at 7:10, needless to say, i was not a happy camper.
i had to rush to get to school because my first class was english and we had a timed writing assignment that we could NOT be late to. i hate rushing to anything. it makes me extremely nervous and i feel like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest.
later on in the morning i had a math test, which i surprised myself, because i did extremely well on it. i got a 94, good eh?
anyways, enough with the boring stuff! after school i headed to lifestyle gym to set up my membership again. i hate feeling fat. i know i'm not really "fat" but i feel it. i feel so, BLAH.
the other day i went to the mall to buy some new jeans, for the last 4 years i've been a size 5. well when i tried some jeans on, the size 5's were a bit snug.
i REFUSE to go up a size. no way in hell i'm letting that happen. anyways, spring break and summer are coming up, so i need to get back in shape. i was working out like crazy last year, but things got so hectic that working out didn't fit into my schedule.
so here, i announce on my blog, that by april, before my 21st birthday, i want to lose 15-20lbs.
watch, let's see what happens! wish me luck!
i had to rush to get to school because my first class was english and we had a timed writing assignment that we could NOT be late to. i hate rushing to anything. it makes me extremely nervous and i feel like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest.
later on in the morning i had a math test, which i surprised myself, because i did extremely well on it. i got a 94, good eh?
anyways, enough with the boring stuff! after school i headed to lifestyle gym to set up my membership again. i hate feeling fat. i know i'm not really "fat" but i feel it. i feel so, BLAH.
the other day i went to the mall to buy some new jeans, for the last 4 years i've been a size 5. well when i tried some jeans on, the size 5's were a bit snug.
i REFUSE to go up a size. no way in hell i'm letting that happen. anyways, spring break and summer are coming up, so i need to get back in shape. i was working out like crazy last year, but things got so hectic that working out didn't fit into my schedule.
so here, i announce on my blog, that by april, before my 21st birthday, i want to lose 15-20lbs.
watch, let's see what happens! wish me luck!
5:22 PM
